*I found the lost blog post and decided to post it even if the reflections are not as applicable now.*
When striving to be an understanding person, to see things from all points of view, how do you recognize when you have gone too far in trying to give someone the benefit of your understanding? At what point have you subverted your own need for compassion and understanding? I find myself doing this – wanting to preserve harmony, to give genuinely of my own understanding of other people's place and perspective in a given situation, wanting on some level to avoid my own sense of not having control of what is going on.
Soundtrack du jour: Clearlake – "It's Getting Light Outside"
Happy birthday wishes to Aurélien…
Sometimes acknowledging that one's feelings and disappointments, though very real, display insensitivity might not be enough. Perhaps I could today excuse it and acknowledge the validity of the disappointment. It is, after all, easy for someone (like me) going through something challenging to lose sight of the (negative) ripple effects created in others. People are, generally, only able to feel their own part in a situation. I strive to be different from this. But is it too much, too far?
I wonder, though, looking forward, would all of the future be like this? Would every disappointment and adversity be faced in this same way? It is all part of caring and wanting the people in your life to be happy and have all the things they desire. Where is the turning point, though, when it is clear that you care much more than they do? Or at least in a very different, more selfless way than they appear to? At what point have you unwittingly surrendered yourself as an apologist for another's self-centeredness?
On some level I am witnessing myself doing this, recognizing it as something I thought I left behind for good in my very early 20s. When I have a few hours on my own, in a lot of contemplation and silence, I question the nature of understanding and its inevitable limits and wonder why I should extend the kind of compassion that I do.
Today I feel like buying real estate, and going somewhere far away.
Perhaps when we are young, we have such greater strength, or we lack enough experience to know what we finder later. That like veteran soldiers, we recognize attempting to accomplish everything has its limits. And we have seen those limits, those circumstances all too well….I think we have epic cycles in life, and I think it unlikely everything that you were thinking and feeling at 20, you would think and feel at 40….But that experience and knowledge will not take away all memories, the way you can feel staring at the fire — so to speak — late into the evening.
This sounds very dark on your part. Personally, I would continue to make the other people understand what you try to do, whether it's a selfless act or just a random act of kindness. You are who you are and nothing can change that. If they accept you for that, then so be it. If they deny you, then leave them to their own devices.