I wrote a poem once (back in my late teens/early 20s, when I did that sort of thing) that ended in the line (or something like it), "My two faces/and the millions of masks I wear". I don't really remember the exact wording, but it seemed apt at the time — that my personality is split into two parts, and even these two "real" parts of me are hidden all the time behind different, but often quite subtle, masks. Back then, my meaning was more exact and linear. I felt that I was hiding and subduing a lot of myself. Now, perhaps with the softening of age, I feel that the two faces (or even the masks) are coming more closely together but reflect different aspects of who I am (even if the needs, wants, feelings and perspectives of these faces are often starkly at odds with each other).
As I told someone yesterday, a highly illogical part of me exists, which, despite all the reasons not to feel affection or care, "swells with affection and care". I went on to say that this illogical part "has a very short memory, doesn't hold grudges and never looks at situations with the cold, cynical eyes that the logical part of me does". Perhaps it is telling that I feel this illogical part more intensely when I am alone and actually feel the ache behind the idea of absence making the heart grow fonder. In reality, there are too many moments that deliver enough hurt, enough bitterness, enough self-doubt and enough anger that the amnesiac tendencies of the heart do not serve me well.
I hear the refrain of a song ("Voices Fill My Head") repeating itself in my head (voices are thus filling my head, too, I guess), having spent several days hearing very little but that in choppy, unproduced and ever-changing segments. Listening to the whir of the dishwasher or the occasional tractor outside is not quite sugar and spice and everything nice by comparison.
But but but! It is NOT sugar and spice. It's just what I wish it were.
And now a double dose of the soundtrack du jour.
First: "All that Money Wants" – Psychedelic Furs
"I don't believe that I believed in you…"
Second: "Animals" – CocoRosie
"Maybe I had lied when I said I was okay."