Next planned bake and perceiving the infringement of future plans


Next bake: Valentine's Day (next week). Back to the old standard: cookies.

Hindsight is sometimes the only way to realize that something or someone meant more to you than you originally thought or admitted. "Hindsight" implies that it is too late to do anything about it, and the reality is, it's probably never a good idea to revisit things that once were. The mind has to be reconditioned to revisit all the reasons why not (that is, to leave the past where it belongs) rather than carelessly to ask itself, "Why not?".

Sometimes I skate along, gliding, making it much harder to see when I have taken two steps backwards rather than moving forward. The way I move is not in incremental steps. Change and taking action and decisions quickly is such an integral part of my life that reflection on where I have ended up comes too late at times. I have very little tolerance for indecision or constant changing one's mind. It is not that one cannot choose more than one option; just that there needs to be momentum for moving forward always, evolving.

For example, I was thinking on my drive home that one issue in a recent entanglement was this indecision (for him) about leaving behind the life he had created in one place to start an uncertain, unknown one somewhere else. But at no time was there an ultimatum or imperative to make a choice. I recall saying that it was possible to maintain both lives (although it also occurs to me that one might want to leave behind the previous life, if really moving on – I probably would). Aspects of the old life often hold one back and maintain a safety net/status quo that is more unhealthy and unproductive than anything else, which would be the only reason I would ever suggest abandoning one's "established" life. I am not someone who makes those kinds of demands. Sometimes I don't explain or articulate my feelings clearly, but there is usually logic behind them (even if feelings are one of the most illogical things in existence).

There is so much to do and organize right now. These moments full of busy schedules, deadlines, appointments, a nagging voice in the back of my mind chimes in, poking and prodding about the neglect of the emotional life… but it is just something I cannot afford to think about.

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