In keeping with the theme of things not being what they seem, it sometimes becomes clear that we are not who we think we are. We think we are one thing, pretend to be another, and are probably some third thing that we ourselves are not self-aware enough to recognize or describe with any accuracy. (And we are yet another thing to those who know or think they know us. Perceptions are manifold.)

These thoughts arise as I read about the doppelganger phenomenon in Naomi Klein’s most recent book, Doppelganger, but also when I reflect on my own behaviors and how they line up (or do not) with what I have always believed about myself.

I’ve never considered myself a troublemaker or boat rocker. But then I rethink. As an adult, I am quite different from who I was as a child but have struggled to see myself the way I am now. I was quiet, shy, and (really) fearful of interaction. I assumed other people also tacitly understood this about me, but I have since learned that most people had an entirely different impression of me.

As a silent victim to mild bullying as a child (which I probably took to heart more because of my own crippling shyness and less because it was actual bullying) and a witness to childhood tyrants bullying others (to whom I rarely stood up), it’s not something I can stand by and watch silently now.

… when I see bullying behavior, I am not someone who will tolerate it as an adult. I don’t always say something in the moment, as bullying unfolds – it depends on the circumstances and how much disruption saying something will cause (i.e., will it do more harm than good?). But I observe more carefully the behavior patterns and words of bullies (usually in the workplace), take note and, if I am in a position to do so, I report it. I have learned that just trying to confront it verbally – without a record, without witnesses – leads to nothing, changes nothing, and gives bullies a chance to regroup and make excuses. While I also replay the mantra “don’t put this in writing” in my head after getting fucked over by things I put in writing, I also recognize the power of putting things in writing. A black-and-white record of observations is much harder to refute or excuse. As many managers confronted with the written record lament, “Now I have to do something about it”. Yes. Exactly. Ignoring it does not make it go away. Someone has to be unafraid of sounding the alarm, even if it ends up making them a lightning rod.

Having been through something like this recently, I felt firmly convinced that this was unusual behavior for me. Like, wow, I stepped outside the lines. But when I really started digging into the past, I realized I’ve been like this for a long time. My entire working life, really: the mousy, timorous child who would not speak up even when asked a direct question has become a troublemaker (when given cause) who directly questions everything.