Everything changes


I have tried to change a lot of things in the last year. In the process, I have made some good and bad decisions. At the beginning of the process, I met someone who piqued my interest because he, too, claimed he was on the precipice of big changes and wanted to live differently. He was different enough from me that my interest was elevated. The warning signs were there, but I did not heed them.

I proceeded with my planned changes. Some were quick to implement, some are ongoing. The main point is that I keep moving forward. He, in turn, never changed anything. He is king of collecting and stringing "options" along, keeping back-up plans in place so he has somewhere to turn if the novelty he constantly seeks (and this is his idea of "change", I guess) doesn't pan out (and it never does). He does not change and does not have feelings (apart from the need for something new, imagining it will be "better", and self-pity). All this is well and good and how he chooses to live. And I fully recognize that this is my take on how he lives. I chose last year to end the whole thing to preserve my own sanity and to, of course, move forward. I didn't do the best job of it because, despite everything, I still cared too much.

In the last week, propelled by the need to move forward in general and with the changes, and to live life as more than someone's nurse-mother-bank-consolation prize, I came to terms with what I needed to do. With this person in the periphery of my life, my feelings were never really going to go away, and this would impede me from moving on in all the ways I need to move on. I don't have hard feelings or bitterness. In my own weird way, I love the guy (in that nurse-mother-bank kind of way… in which someone is just such a mess you can't help but want to clean them up), which explains why it has been hard to totally cut him loose. But I can't live my life on the backburner and as someone's fallback plan (even though that appears to be what I am in his mind, I guess. Or a cheese supplier?). So I made sure to give him one last, counterintuitive nod in terms of my feelings. And then started cutting out the remnants.

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