It takes remarkably little to keep me happy – not sure if this is good or if I just have low standards/a low threshold for happiness. By the same token, it is also pretty easy to tarnish my mood by (repeatedly) failing to follow through with action that has been promised in words. This appears to be the great battle of my adult life: others’ failures to act on their words.

Perhaps this would not bother me to such a degree if it were not so painfully obvious where people (supposedly close to me) place their priorities. It is easy to say a lot of words. It is unfortunately easy for someone like me to believe that by holding someone to his words or expecting the bare minimum (based on what they have said), I am being unreasonable or demanding. I have my priorities defined. I do what I say I will do. I can be trusted. The same cannot be said of everyone.

And the bottom line is that it really hurts. No matter how many walls I build, no matter how many times it happens, no matter how small the slight (forgetting to call for example). Of course it is affected by other factors – I am feeling scared, alone, helpless, and a host of other things that are not anyone’s fault. But being alone, going through some of these things, like all the other things, is overwhelming. It probably puts huge stresses on me, and by extension on those I want to rely on (but don’t/can’t). I suppose it’s best to find out sooner – trial by small fire – than later.

Crying out for attention or help or whatever, strangely, sadly, leaves me even more alone.