I Just Can’t


No, I just can’t. I am not a therapist. I can’t listen and reassure any longer. Anxiety and OCD may be real things, but I can’t live with someone whose life is completely driven by both. It’s exhausting, it’s repetitive, it’s just too much. Add to the mix that crippling anxiety and OCD drive a sufferer to blind alcoholism. And whether gripped by anxiety or drunkenness, there is a part of either OCD extreme that feels to the observer like an outrageous offshoot of narcissism.

The anxious, sober OCD is fueled by the fear that X-thought (a relatively innocent thought or action) is somehow going to land you in trouble, send you to jail, destroy your life… so you better drink those fears away even though it’s when you’re drunk that you commit more of these questionable/putting-yourself-in-peril actions. The impression feels narcissistic because it’s hard to watch as you contort these meaningless non-events into things that might ruin your life – as if anyone gives a shit or has time to give a second thought to the non-events you’ve hyperinflated in your mind.

The drunk OCD is fueled by a hypersexuality that cannot be quelled, and the bravado brought on by more and more drink makes you more reckless. You turn hateful, critical and cruel – when you are the perfect picture of a mess, you think this is the perfect time to call everyone else out for their supposed imperfections. The impression here is one of a narcissist because you are the only one who matters in this self-hating equation.

Sobriety returns – always at a terrible and painful cost – to you and everyone around you. And the cycle begins again. And again.

I just can’t.

4 thoughts on “I Just Can’t

  1. Alice Engelhardt

    This reminds me so much of my best friend’s mother. She’s the real deal. Back in house school my friend spent many hours daily at my house to get away from the craziness at home. OCD and alcoholism, very difficult to live with. Sad.

    • Yes, it is incredibly difficult. I don’t actually live with it but deal with it from afar on a near-daily basis, trying to be some kind of stability for this person, but it gets tiring.

  2. Some of that rings a bell….living with an alcoholic and seeing him spiralling down into a hell, pointing fingers to others for their mistakes/choices and then cruelly criticizing my imprefections…..You can’t save anyone but yourself. If you’re in that kind of relationship I would suggest you leave…..Hugs xxx

    • Believe me, I know. I am not *in* any relationship. I was, but backed off and tried to be a supportive friend for this person as he struggles to try to get help and put the pieces back together. But it’s really too much for someone to try to deal with (the drunk cruelty part is not something I deal with any more, but the actual mental health issues are still there – and acute – and I can’t do anything about that). Thanks for reading and caring, of course. xoxo

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