Invisible Dreams
–Toi Derricotte

La poesie vit d’insomnie perpetuelle
—René Char

There’s a sickness in me. During

the night I wake up & it’s brought

a stain into my mouth, as if

an ocean has risen & left back

a stink on the rocks of my teeth.

I stink. My mouth is ugly, human

stink. A color like rust

is in me. I can’t get rid of it.

It rises after I

brush my teeth, a taste

like iron. In the

night, left like a dream,

a caustic light

washing over the insides of me.

*

What to do with my arms? They

coil out of my body

like snakes.

They branch & spit.

I want to shake myself

until they fall like withered

roots; until

they bend the right way—

until I fit in them,

or they in me.

I have to lay them down as

carefully as an old wedding dress,

I have to fold them

like the arms of someone dead.

The house is quiet; all

night I struggle. All

because of my arms,

which have no peace!

*

I’m a martyr, a girl who’s been dead

two thousand years. I turn

on my left side, like one comfortable

after a long, hard death.

The angels look down

tenderly. “She’s sleeping,” they say

& pass me by. But

all night, I am passing

in & out of my body

on my naked feet.

*

I’m awake when I’m sleeping & I’m

sleeping when I’m awake, & no one

knows, not even me, for my eyes

are closed to myself.

I think I am thinking I see

a man beside me, & he thinks

in his sleep that I’m awake

writing. I hear a pen scratch

a paper. There is some idea

I think is clever: I want to

capture myself in a book.

*

I have to make a

place for my body in

my body. I’m like a

dog pawing a blanket

on the floor. I have to

turn & twist myself

like a rag until I

can smell myself in myself.

I’m sweating; the water is

pouring out of me

like silver. I put my head

in the crook of my arm

like a brilliant moon.

*

The bones of my left foot

are too heavy on the bones

of my right. They

lie still for a little while,

sleeping, but soon they

bruise each other like

angry twins. Then

the bones of my right foot

command the bones of my left

to climb down.